EXCLUSIVE: Austin PD’s Yogurt Shop Presser a Smokescreen for Big Yogurt’s Dark Plot

Folks, buckle up because the Austin Police Department is about to drop another totally transparent update on the infamous yogurt shop murders—you know, the case that’s been colder than a vegan’s heart for decades. That’s right, they’re holding a press conference, which in government-speak means they’ll say a whole lot of nothing while looking very serious in front of cameras.

Sources say (okay, fine, I say) this is just another distraction tactic to keep you from asking why City Hall is suddenly obsessed with banning gas stoves and replacing them with solar-powered fondue pots. Wake up, sheeple! The real conspiracy here isn’t who killed those poor kids—it’s Big Yogurt’s stranglehold on this town! Think about it: Why else would APD suddenly care about a 30-year-old case unless they’re trying to bury the truth about frozen dessert tyranny?

And don’t even get me started on the mainstream media lapdogs covering this. Marley Malenfant? More like Marley Mal-facts! This guy’s resume is longer than a Whole Foods receipt, but does he have the guts to ask the real questions? Like, why was the yogurt shop unsweetened? Coincidence? I think not.

So tune in tonight, folks, but remember: If the update doesn’t end with an arrest of the globalist lactose lobby, it’s all just theater. And if you believe otherwise, well, I’ve got some organic, gluten-free, non-GMO bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.