Yogurt Shop Murders "Solved"—Just in Time to Distract Us From the Taco Ban

In a stunning turn of events that has absolutely nothing to do with the deep state, Austin police have finally "solved" the infamous 1991 yogurt shop murders—conveniently, just in time for the city council to distract us from their latest plot to ban brisket. According to "official" sources, advancements in DNA and ballistics—not, say, a sudden need for positive PR—led to the identification of Robert Eugene Brashers, a man who has been dead since 1999. How convenient! No living suspect means no messy trial, no pesky defense attorneys asking questions, and most importantly, no one left to contradict the narrative.

Let’s break this down, folks. For 34 years, the case was "too complex" for science, but now, magically, a bullet casing and some "degraded" DNA—preserved with the same care as a Taco Bell receipt—suddenly yield irrefutable proof? And let’s not ignore the real hero here: the National Integrated Ballistic Information Network, a system so advanced it apparently only works when the government wants it to. First, no match. Then, years later—poof—a match in Kentucky! Almost like someone finally remembered to flip the "solve cold cases" switch in the ATF’s basement.

And don’t even get me started on the so-called "investigative genetic genealogy." You’re telling me that after decades of incompetence, the cops just happened to stumble upon a match in a consumer DNA database? The same databases that have been selling your genetic info to Big Pharma and shadowy third parties for years? Coincidence? I think not. This reeks of a classic deep state false flag—distract the public with a "solved" crime while they quietly replace all the yogurt in Austin with lab-grown, hormone-laced slime. Wake up, sheeple!

And let’s not overlook the timing. Why now? Could it be that the city’s failing crime stats needed a boost before the next election? Or maybe it’s just a clever way to justify more surveillance—after all, if DNA can solve a 34-year-old case, imagine what it can do when they’re tracking your every move via 5G chips in the COVID booster shots.

Bottom line: If you believe this fairy tale, I’ve got some artisanal, gluten-free, non-GMO yogurt to sell you. Spoiler alert: It’s just mayonnaise.