Austin 'Humanitarian' Detained After Trying to Outrun the Israeli Navy on a Floating Hippie Bus

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, an Austin man—who apparently had nothing better to do than sail into international waters to poke the Israeli Navy with a stick—has been detained. Greg Stoker, a self-proclaimed 'humanitarian' (read: professional troublemaker), was last seen live-tweeting his own capture like it was some kind of extreme sports event. 'They’re hailing us, telling us to turn off our engines or face consequences,' Stoker dramatically announced, as if he didn’t sign up for exactly this when he boarded the 'Ohwayla' (which, by the way, is just one letter away from 'Oh well-a,' which is probably what he’s saying now).

The flotilla, a floating circus of 40 boats and 500 activists, is allegedly carrying 'humanitarian aid'—though sources suggest it’s mostly just granola bars and copies of 'The Communist Manifesto.' Israeli forces, clearly not in the mood for a sing-along, responded by blasting ABBA over the radio. Because nothing says 'psychological warfare' like 'Dancing Queen.'

Meanwhile, Spain and Italy sent naval ships to 'monitor' the situation, which is code for 'watch the chaos unfold while eating popcorn.' Greta Thunberg, the flotilla’s resident climate warrior, is also onboard, presumably drafting a strongly worded tweet about the carbon footprint of naval blockades. And let’s not forget Nelson Mandela’s grandson, because no protest is complete without a celebrity cameo.

Israeli officials claim the flotilla has 'ties to Hamas,' but organizers insist they’re just a bunch of peaceful activists. Sure, and I’m just a harmless satirist—until the deep state shuts me down for exposing their tofu agenda. Stay vigilant, folks. The globalists are coming… by boat.