Megachurch Pastor Pleads Guilty to Abuse: In Other News, Water Is Wet

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming—except, of course, for anyone who’s ever glanced sideways at a megachurch—former Gateway Church pastor Robert Morris has pleaded guilty to child sex abuse. That’s right, folks, another holy man has fallen from grace, proving once again that the only thing more predictable than a televangelist’s hairline is their eventual scandal.

Morris, who spent decades preaching about morality while allegedly preying on a 12-year-old girl, has finally been held accountable. Sort of. His punishment? A whopping six months in jail and a 10-year suspended sentence. That’s right—six months. For years of abuse. At this rate, the justice system is basically handing out ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards with a side of probation.

But don’t worry, because Morris will also have to register as a sex offender and pay restitution. Because nothing says ‘justice’ like a financial slap on the wrist and a sternly worded entry in a government database. Meanwhile, the victim, Cindy Clemishire, has spent over four decades waiting for this moment, proving that the wheels of justice grind slower than a Sunday sermon on repentance.

And let’s not forget Gateway Church’s response: an ‘independent investigation’ that conveniently happened after Morris resigned. Because nothing says ‘transparency’ like waiting until the predator is out the door before pretending to care. The church’s statement? A masterclass in PR spin, referring to the abuse as ‘inappropriate sexual behavior with a young lady.’ Ah yes, because grooming and assault are just inappropriate, like wearing socks with sandals or putting pineapple on pizza.

But fear not, faithful readers, because Morris’s civil trial is still coming in 2026. That’s right—justice moves so slowly that by the time this case wraps up, we’ll all be driving flying cars and eating lab-grown barbecue. Until then, let’s all just pretend to be shocked that yet another powerful religious figure turned out to be a predator. Wake up, sheeple! The real scandal here is that we’re still acting surprised.

In the meantime, if you’re looking for moral guidance, might I suggest not taking it from a megachurch pastor? Just a thought.