Sixth-Best Spa in the World? More Like Sixth Circle of Capitalism

Oh, joy. Another day, another opportunity for Austin to pat itself on the back for something that only the top 0.1% of the population can actually afford. The Lake Austin Spa Resort has been crowned the sixth-best spa in the world—because, of course, what this city really needed was another reason for wealthy out-of-towners to inflate our real estate prices while the rest of us ration our H-E-B coupons.

Let’s break down this luxury experience, shall we? For the low, low price of $1,650—roughly equivalent to a month’s rent in a normal city—you, too, can enjoy the privilege of being massaged by someone named Serenity while sipping organic honey-infused tea harvested from the resort’s very own bees. (Because nothing says relaxation like knowing the bees probably have a better work-life balance than you do.)

And don’t forget the Experience Fee—a mere $55 for the honor of stepping onto the property. That’s right, folks. You’re not just paying for the treatment; you’re paying for the experience of being reminded that you could’ve spent that money on, say, groceries. But who needs groceries when you can float on a paddleboard in a lake that’s technically not Barton Creek, but close enough for Instagram?

The spa’s rustic charm is, of course, code for we put a lot of wood paneling in here so you forget you’re still in Texas. And the nature-focused artwork? Probably just framed pictures of rich people doing yoga on paddleboards. Groundbreaking.

Meanwhile, the rest of us plebeians will continue to de-stress by screaming into our pillows after another day of Austin traffic, wondering if hydrobiking is just a fancy word for pedaling while wet. But hey, at least we can take comfort in knowing that somewhere, a hedge fund manager’s wife is getting her chakras realigned for the price of our car payment. Namaste, y’all.