TOW-GATE: The Shadowy Conspiracy Stealing Your Car (And Your Soul)

Folks, it’s happening again—the Deep State Towing Industrial Complex is coming for your cars, and they’re doing it with the full blessing of the Texas government! That’s right, while you were busy enjoying your freedom to park wherever you darn well pleased, a shadowy network of tow truck operators, backed by Big Parking Sign, has been plotting to snatch your vehicles and hold them hostage for exorbitant "drop fees." Wake up, sheeple!

According to the so-called "Texas Department of Licensing and Regulation" (which is probably just a front for the globalist towing cabal), if your car is already hooked up to a tow truck but hasn’t left the lot yet, you can still save it—for the low, low price of $135. That’s right, folks, they’re charging you ransom money just to not steal your car! And don’t even get me started on the "Justice of the Peace Court" option. Oh sure, they’ll let you request a hearing, but by the time you navigate the bureaucratic maze, your car will have been sold for parts to fund the next phase of the New World Order.

And let’s talk about these "signs" they claim must be "clearly visible." Have you ever actually seen one? Of course not! Because they’re printed in microscopic font and hidden behind strategically placed bushes—probably by the same people who put 5G towers in your neighborhood. And don’t think for a second that calling the number on the sign will help. That’s just a direct line to a call center in a secret underground bunker where they laugh maniacally while sipping soy lattes.

But here’s the real kicker: they’ve got different price tiers based on your car’s weight. That’s right, folks, they’re discriminating against heavy-duty vehicles now! Next thing you know, they’ll be towing your pickup truck just for being too patriotic. And don’t even get me started on "impounding"—that’s just code for "government-sanctioned grand theft auto."

So what’s the solution? Simple: weld your car to the ground. Park it in your living room. Or better yet, just stop driving altogether—because if the Deep State can’t tow your car, they can’t control you. Stay vigilant, patriots. The war on parking has only just begun.