Austin Doubles Homeless Housing, Still Somehow Fails at Basic Math

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Austin has announced it has doubled its housing capacity for the homeless. That’s right, folks—twice as many beds! Which, mathematically speaking, means we’ve gone from barely any to slightly more than barely any. Truly, a triumph of modern urban planning.

According to the latest report from the Ending Community Homelessness Coalition (ECHO, because acronyms make everything sound more official), the city has achieved a 108% increase in available beds and housing units. That’s not a typo—apparently, we’ve broken the laws of basic arithmetic to provide more than double the previous capacity. Where did these magical new beds come from? Were they hiding under the overpasses this whole time? Did we finally convince the luxury condo developers to stop building just Airbnbs?

But wait, there’s more! The report also boasts a 5% drop in first-time homelessness. That’s right—five whole percent. At this rate, we’ll eradicate homelessness by the year 2187. Truly, the future is bright.

David Gray, director of Austin Homeless Strategies and Operations (a title so long it probably needs its own housing unit), had this to say: “We are demonstrating that it is possible to address immediate needs without compromising the long-term strategies required to ensure everyone has access to stable housing.” Translation: “We’ve thrown some cots in a church basement and called it a win.”

Meanwhile, ECHO Executive Director Matt Mollica assures us that “each dollar is going farther.” Which is great, because last I checked, the median rent in Austin is still roughly equivalent to a small country’s GDP. But hey, at least the wait time for housing has been reduced by 115 days. So instead of waiting a year to maybe get a bed, you now only have to wait… uh… still way too long.

And let’s not forget the real hero of this story: the taxpayers. Because, as Mollica so graciously reminded us, this progress justifies the upcoming tax hike. Nothing says “we care” like charging you more for the privilege of watching the city slowly address a crisis it helped create.

Mayor Kirk Watson, ever the optimist, chimed in with: “We’re not yet where we need to be.” Understatement of the century, Kirk. But hey, at least we’ve got clear evidence that throwing money at the problem is… doing something. Maybe.

So, to recap: Austin has doubled its housing capacity (from abysmal to mediocre), slightly reduced first-time homelessness (probably because everyone moved to San Marcos), and is now asking you to pay more taxes for the honor of witnessing this glacial progress. Truly, a victory for us all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go write a zine about how all of this is still a dystopian nightmare.