Scooters in the Lake: Austin’s Newest Submarine Fleet

Ah, Lady Bird Lake—Austin’s premier dumping ground for tech’s most disruptive innovation: electric scooters. Because nothing screams ‘smart city’ like a fleet of lithium-powered death traps clogging up our waterways. The Austin Police Department, in a heroic display of taxpayer-funded scooter wrangling, fished out 20 of these bad boys from the depths, along with a rogue shopping cart and two bicycles (presumably abandoned by cyclists who realized biking in Austin is just asking for a Tesla to sideswipe them).

Let’s be real, folks. This is just nature’s way of telling us that scooters belong in the lake. They’re like invasive species, but with worse battery life. And hey, if we’re lucky, maybe the lithium leakage will mutate the fish into something cool—like glow-in-the-dark bass that double as USB chargers.

Of course, the city had to assemble a whole task force for this operation. APD’s Dive Team, Lake Patrol, EMS, Watershed Protection, and even the scooter companies themselves (Lime and Bird, who were totally shocked their products ended up underwater). It’s like a Marvel crossover, but instead of saving the world, they’re just cleaning up after drunk tech bros who thought ‘parking’ meant yeeting their ride into the nearest body of water.

Sgt. Kafena warned that submerged scooters are a ‘hazard’ for divers. Yeah, no kidding. Imagine diving into the murky abyss only to get clotheslined by a Lime scooter. That’s not a rescue mission—that’s an extreme sport.

But here’s the real kicker: the city is considering making this a regular project. That’s right, folks. We’re not just cleaning up scooters—we’re creating jobs. Move over, Silicon Valley. Austin’s next big startup is Scooter Salvage, Inc., where we monetize the reckless abandon of micromobility.

So next time you’re kayaking on Lady Bird Lake, keep an eye out. You might just spot the next great Austin landmark: the underwater scooter graveyard. It’s like Atlantis, but with more charging ports and fewer morals. And remember, if you see a scooter in the lake, report it to 311. Or, you know, just push it deeper. Out of sight, out of mind, right?