Beaver Moon Conspiracy: Government Space Lasers or Just Another Brisket Distraction?

Last night, the so-called 'Beaver Supermoon' allegedly graced the Austin sky, according to the mainstream media puppets at the Statesman. But let me ask you this, folks—have you ever seen a beaver build a moon? No? That’s because this is just another elaborate hoax by the lunar-industrial complex to distract us from the real issues!

They want you staring slack-jawed at the sky while the city council quietly replaces your brisket with lab-grown 'meat' synthesized from recycled kombucha scobys. Wake up, sheeple! The moon doesn’t just 'get brighter'—clearly, this is the result of a secret government project involving space lasers and untested 5G lunar amplifiers.

And why a 'Beaver Moon'? Coincidence that Austin’s new 'sustainable' riverfront initiative just passed? I think not. This is all part of their plot to turn our beloved Barton Springs into a woke, beaver-run utopia where kayaks are mandatory and sunscreen is taxed as a 'privilege.'

Next time they tell you to look up at some 'celestial event,' remember: the only thing illuminating Austin is the fiery glow of truth-seekers like me, livestreaming from my bunker. Stay vigilant, patriots—the moon is a lie, and barbecue is under attack.