BREAKING: Texas Independents Still Can’t Make Up Their Minds (Shocking No One)

Folks, it’s happening again. The so-called "independent" voters in Texas are suddenly "souring" on the GOP, according to a "poll" conducted by the University of Texas—an institution that, let’s be real, is probably run by a cabal of woke professors who cry themselves to sleep over the fact that brisket still exists.

According to this "nonpartisan" poll (which we all know is code for "deep state propaganda"), independents are suddenly unhappy with Governor Greg Abbott and President Trump. Oh, the horror! But let’s break this down, shall we? These "independents" are the same people who can’t decide between Whataburger and Taco Bell at 2 a.m. Do we really trust their judgment on politics?

And get this—58% of them disapprove of Abbott. That’s almost as high as the percentage of Austinites who think kombucha is a personality trait. But here’s the kicker: these same "independents" also hate the Democrats! Only 13% of them think the Democratic Party is worth a darn. So what we’re dealing with here is a bunch of people who are just… perpetually grumpy. They’re the political equivalent of that one uncle who complains about the weather no matter what it’s doing outside.

But don’t worry, patriots. The GOP isn’t losing ground because of failed policies or anything rational like that. No, no—it’s all part of the plan. You see, the deep state wants you to think Republicans are in trouble so you’ll get complacent. Meanwhile, Abbott is probably building a secret underground bunker beneath the Capitol stocked with enough Dr Pepper and breakfast tacos to outlast the coming tofu-pocalypse.

And let’s talk about Trump’s numbers. A whopping 74% of independents disapprove of his tax policy? Folks, that’s because they don’t understand taxes. They think "capital gains" is a new energy drink. Meanwhile, Trump’s border security approval is at 33%—which, coincidentally, is the same percentage of Austin residents who still believe their city is "weird" and not just an overpriced tech bro playground.

So here’s the bottom line: ignore the polls. They’re just another tool in the globalist arsenal to make you doubt the red wave that’s coming. The real question isn’t whether independents are souring on the GOP—it’s whether they’ll finally pick a side or keep waffling like a poorly made pancake at a vegan brunch spot. Wake up, Texas!