Buc-ee’s Expands: Texas Reaches Peak Excess (Again)

Oh, joy. Just what Texas needed—more temples to the gods of gas and gluttony. Buc-ee’s, the state’s most beloved shrine to excess, is expanding yet again, because apparently, 36 locations weren’t enough to satisfy our collective need for 75,000-square-foot monuments to beef jerky and immaculate restrooms.

San Marcos and Boerne, brace yourselves. Soon, your quaint little towns will be graced by the presence of a Buc-ee’s, where you can experience the thrill of navigating a parking lot the size of a small principality just to buy a T-shirt that says “I Brake for Beaver Nuggets.”

Let’s not forget the real draw here: the bathrooms. Yes, folks, these are not just any bathrooms. These are Buc-ee’s bathrooms—cleaner than a Westlake mom’s kitchen after a gluten-free, organic, non-GMO dinner party. You haven’t truly lived until you’ve wept tears of joy in a restroom so pristine, you’d consider eating off the floor (but don’t—that’s what the brisket sandwiches are for).

And let’s talk about the sheer audacity of it all. A 75,000-square-foot convenience store? That’s not a gas station; that’s a small airport. You could fit my entire HOA’s collective sense of entitlement in there and still have room for a roller coaster. But no, instead, we get 120 fuel pumps and enough beaver-themed merchandise to outfit a small army.

So, congratulations, Texas. We’ve officially reached peak us. While other states are building schools or fixing roads, we’re out here breaking ground on the world’s largest shrine to road trip gluttony. Because nothing says “Don’t Mess with Texas” like a 250-person workforce dedicated to keeping the jerky stocked and the toilets sparkling.

God bless Buc-ee’s. And God help us all.