Billion-Dollar Band-Aids: How Corporations Are "Saving" Us From Their Own Mess

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about it for years), the so-called "government shutdown" has left millions of hardworking Americans wondering if they’ll be able to afford their next meal. But fear not, dear sheeple—I mean, citizens—because the corporate overlords have graciously stepped in to "save the day" with their pocket change donations. How noble!

First up, Bank of America, the same institution that foreclosed on your grandma’s house in 2008, has decided to toss a measly $5 million at the problem. That’s right—$5 million, which is roughly the amount they make in interest fees before breakfast. But don’t worry, they’ll also "match employee contributions" because nothing says "we care" like making your underpaid employees foot part of the bill. And let’s not forget their "100,000 volunteer hours"—because nothing solves systemic hunger like a few suits handing out canned beans in their free time.

Next, we have Superior Healthplan and the Centene Foundation, who’ve generously pledged $400,000 to Texas food banks. That’s about enough to buy a single avocado in Austin these days. But hey, at least they’re "investing" in hunger relief—because nothing says "philanthropy" like treating human suffering as a tax write-off.

And then there’s H-E-B, the beloved Texas grocery chain, which donated $5 million to Feeding Texas. Sure, that sounds impressive until you realize they probably made that back in profit from overcharging you for organic kale. But hey, at least they’re "standing with our communities"—right after they stood with their shareholders at the last board meeting.

Meanwhile, the real question no one’s asking: Why are we relying on corporations to feed people when the government—you know, the thing we pay taxes to—could just, oh I don’t know, function? But no, let’s all clap for the billion-dollar companies tossing crumbs at the problem while they lobby for lower taxes and fewer regulations.

Wake up, folks. This isn’t charity—it’s a PR stunt. And if you think these corporations actually care about you, I’ve got some Soylent Green to sell you. (Spoiler: It’s not tofu.)