Laredo 'Safest City'? More Like 'Biggest Government Psyop Yet'

Oh, great. Another 'study' from the so-called 'experts' at WalletHub, telling us that Laredo is somehow one of the 'safest' cities in America. Folks, let me ask you this: have you ever been to Laredo? Because if you had, you’d know this ranking is about as trustworthy as a vegan at a Texas barbecue.

First off, they claim Laredo is safe because of 'low natural disaster risk.' Oh, sure, because nothing says 'safety' like living in a city where the biggest threat isn’t hurricanes or tornadoes—it’s the fact that you might spontaneously combust from boredom. And let’s not forget the 'financial safety' ranking, where Laredo somehow scores an 81. That’s right, folks, your wallet is 'safe' as long as you don’t mind 13 times the national average of uninsured residents. But hey, who needs health insurance when you’ve got good vibes and a low assault rate, right?

Meanwhile, Houston ranks as the seventh-least safe city in the country. Shocking, I know. It’s almost like turning a major metropolitan area into a giant puddle every hurricane season isn’t a great long-term strategy. But don’t worry, Houstonians—your city council is too busy banning plastic straws to notice the existential threat of climate change. Priorities, people!

And let’s talk about Plano, which apparently has the fifth-fewest assaults per capita. That’s because everyone in Plano is too busy arguing about HOA violations to throw a punch. 'Sorry, Karen, I can’t assault you—I have a meeting with the zoning board about your improperly trimmed hedges.'

But here’s the real kicker: WalletHub thinks 'financial safety' includes 'minimizing the risk of fraud.' Oh, the irony! These are the same people who probably think Bitcoin is a 'safe investment.' Wake up, sheeple! If you want real safety, move to a bunker in the middle of nowhere and stock up on canned beans. Because according to this 'study,' the only thing safer than Laredo is trusting the mainstream media—and we all know how that ends.