Ken Paxton Discovers the Internet is Scary, Sues Roblox to Save Us All

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about this for years), Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has finally discovered that the internet is, in fact, a terrifying place for children. His latest target? Roblox, the digital playground where kids build blocky worlds and, apparently, according to Paxton, are also being groomed by "pixel pedophiles."

That’s right, folks. While parents were busy thinking their kids were just building virtual theme parks and trading digital pets, the real threat was lurking in the form of avatars with suspiciously well-designed outfits. Paxton, ever the hero, has swooped in to save Texas children from the horrors of… checks notes… user-generated content.

Roblox, a platform so innocent it makes Minecraft look like Grand Theft Auto, is now being accused of "saturating" children with sexual content. Because nothing says "explicit material" like blocky characters with no discernible anatomy. But don’t let the lack of realism fool you—Paxton insists these digital predators are out there, hiding behind usernames like "CoolDude123" and offering free Robux in exchange for… well, you get the idea.

Of course, Roblox had the audacity to respond with a statement saying they’re "committed to safety" and that Paxton’s claims are "sensationalized." Typical corporate gaslighting! Next, they’ll tell us the Earth is round and that vaccines don’t contain microchips.

Meanwhile, parents across Texas are left wondering: if Roblox is the problem, what’s next? Will Paxton sue LEGO for encouraging kids to build things without proper OSHA oversight? Will he go after playgrounds because swings are a known gateway to reckless behavior? The possibilities are endless.

In the end, this lawsuit is just another reminder that the real predators aren’t the ones in the virtual world—they’re the ones in suits, pretending to care about children while ignoring actual problems. But hey, at least we can all sleep soundly knowing that Ken Paxton is out there, fighting the good fight against… checks notes again… blocky avatars. God bless Texas.

(And if you disagree with me, you’re probably a deep-state operative working for Big Tofu.)