Veterans Day 2025: A National Day of Selective Patriotism and Retail Therapy

Ah, Veterans Day—the sacred holiday where we pretend to care about our veterans for exactly 24 hours before forgetting they exist again until next November. But fear not, patriots! While you’re busy posting flag emojis on social media, the real question is: Can I still get my avocado toast on Tuesday? Let’s break down this shocking government conspiracy to shut down America for a day.

Banks: Closed (Because Money Can’t Honor Veterans)

That’s right, folks. Your local Chase branch will be shuttered tighter than a liberal’s mind. But don’t worry—ATMs are still open because, as we all know, machines don’t need to observe holidays. They just need to dispense cash so you can buy more tinfoil for your hat.

Schools: Mostly Closed (Except Austin ISD, Because Indoctrination Never Sleeps)

While most schools will give kids a day off to pretend they care about veterans, Austin ISD is boldly keeping the doors open. Coincidence? Or is this part of the deep state’s plan to brainwash our youth into thinking Veterans Day is just another Tuesday? Wake up, sheeple!

Mail: Not Delivered (Because the Government Loves Inefficiency)

USPS is taking the day off, which means your Amazon package will be delayed again. But hey, at least those self-service kiosks are still working—because nothing says honoring our troops like printing your own stamps while muttering under your breath.

Stock Market: Open (Because Capitalism Never Rests)

While banks are closed, Wall Street is still raking in the dough. Because what better way to honor veterans than by letting hedge fund managers make millions while the rest of us wonder why gas is still $5 a gallon?

Stores: Open (Because God Bless Consumerism)

Walmart, Costco, and your local organic kale emporium will all be open for business. Because nothing says patriotism like a 50% off sale on flat-screen TVs. Meanwhile, veterans sleep on the streets, but hey—at least you can buy a Support Our Troops bumper sticker while you’re there.

Austin’s Priorities: Confusing as Always

City offices? Closed. Libraries? Online only. But don’t worry—you can still drop off your yard trimmings at Hornsby Bend. Because that’s what our veterans fought for: the right to dispose of grass clippings on a federal holiday.

So there you have it, folks. Another Veterans Day where we perform the bare minimum of gratitude before rushing back to our regularly scheduled programming. But remember—if you really care about veterans, maybe stop voting for politicians who cut their benefits every year. Just a thought.