BREAKING: Your Personal Data Now Property of the Dark Web (Thanks, Conduent!)

Oh, what a shocker—another day, another "oopsie" from the corporate overlords who treat your personal data like a free buffet at a Vegas casino. Conduent Business Services, the fine folks who brought you "Whoops, we lost your Social Security number," are back in the headlines after leaking the private details of over 4 million Texans. That’s right, folks—your medical records, insurance info, and probably your grandma’s secret brisket recipe are now floating around the dark web, courtesy of a ransomware gang called SafePay (ironic, since nothing about this is safe).

But don’t worry! Conduent has graciously assured us they have "no evidence" of actual misuse. That’s like a burglar saying, "Hey, I stole your TV, but I haven’t sold it yet—so technically, no harm done!" And let’s not overlook the real heroes here: the lawyers, already circling like vultures over a roadside carcass, ready to turn your suffering into a class-action settlement worth roughly $3.50 and a coupon for 10% off your next data breach.

Meanwhile, the company’s statement reads like a corporate apology bingo card: "We take this seriously," "regret any inconvenience," and my personal favorite, "we acted quickly." Quick? They waited nine months to tell you your life was in a hacker’s shopping cart! At this point, the only thing faster than their "response" is how fast your identity is being sold on the dark web.

So, what can you do? Well, besides lighting a candle at the altar of Big Tech incompetence, you can freeze your credit, change your passwords, and pray the cybercriminals at least have the decency to use your health insurance for something fun, like a boob job or a weekend in Cancun. Stay vigilant, folks—because clearly, no one else is.

This has been your weekly dose of "Why Trusting Corporations Is a Joke" with Alex Jaxon. Wake up, sheeple!