I-35 Closure: A Personal Attack on My Right to Speed Unimpeded

Oh, the horror! The absolute travesty! The southbound lanes of I-35 will be closed this weekend, and I, Heather Worthington, must now endure the unthinkable: a detour. That’s right, folks. The Texas Department of Transportation has decided that my sacred right to speed unimpeded through South Austin must be temporarily revoked so they can—get this—"improve infrastructure." As if my Lexus SUV hasn’t suffered enough already with all those unsightly construction cones cluttering the median.

Now, instead of breezing past Stassney Lane with my venti iced latte in hand, I’ll be forced to gasp follow signs like some kind of commoner. Frontage roads? U-turns? Congress Avenue? This is an affront to my carefully curated morning routine. Do they not realize I have a Pilates class at 9:15 AM sharp? And what about the charity luncheon I’m chairing next week? How am I supposed to scout the perfect parking spot for my Mercedes if I’m stuck in detour traffic?

And let’s talk about these so-called "managed lanes." Two whole new lanes for high-occupancy vehicles? That’s just code for more people who don’t appreciate the sanctity of my personal space. Next thing you know, they’ll be letting buses use them. The audacity!

But fear not, my fellow Westlake warriors. I’ve already drafted a strongly worded email to TXDOT, cc’ing every local news outlet and my HOA president. If they think they can inconvenience me without consequences, they clearly haven’t met a woman who once got a Starbucks barista fired for misspelling "Heather" on a cup.

Stay tuned for updates—and pray for my poor, neglected latte. It’s going to be a long weekend.