San Marcos Shootings: When 'Increasing Police Presence' Is Just a Fancy Way of Saying 'We Have No Clue'

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been warning you all for years), San Marcos has descended into a lawless warzone where shootouts are apparently the new brunch. Police are scrambling to find Patrick Dave Anderson, a 24-year-old who allegedly turned a casual sidewalk argument into a Wild West reenactment. Sources say Anderson recently moved from Arizona—probably fleeing the lizard people—only to bring his own brand of chaos to our beloved downtown.

Meanwhile, the San Marcos Police Department, in their infinite wisdom, has decided the best course of action is to increase police presence downtown. Groundbreaking strategy, folks. Maybe next they’ll suggest water is wet. Chief Stan Standridge, flanked by what I can only assume are his unpaid interns, solemnly announced that three separate shootings occurred over Halloween weekend. One victim, 19-year-old Ronnie Hernandez Jr., was shot between five and seven times—because apparently, one bullet just isn’t enough for these trigger-happy maniacs.

But wait, there’s more! In a completely unrelated incident (because coincidences are just so believable), another shooting erupted at the Outpost Apartments, where a poolside disagreement escalated into gunfire. Police are now hunting for 17-year-old John Anthony “Chucky” Contreras—yes, that’s his real nickname—who is wanted for attempted capital murder. His accomplice, D’antrae Houston, was arrested in Lockhart, proving once again that crime doesn’t pay… unless you’re really bad at geography.

Authorities insist the two shootings aren’t connected, which is exactly what the deep state would want you to think. Meanwhile, the U.S. Marshals are on the case, because local law enforcement clearly needs federal babysitters to track down a guy who probably hasn’t even changed his Facebook profile picture.

So, dear readers, as you sip your artisanal coffee and pretend this city isn’t one bad day away from total anarchy, remember: the elites want you distracted. They want you to ignore the fact that our streets are turning into a Call of Duty lobby. Wake up, sheeple! Or at least learn to duck.

And if you see Patrick Dave Anderson or “Chucky” Contreras, do the responsible thing: call the cops, then livestream it for clout. The algorithm demands content.