"Nature, But Make It Expensive": Austin’s New Trail Entrance Is Here to Remind You That You’re Not Outdoorsy Enough

In a stunning display of municipal efficiency, Austin has finally completed a checks notes trail entrance. That’s right, folks—after a mere decade and $1.2 million of taxpayer money (a bargain by government standards), you can now walk through a fancy steel arch to experience nature. Revolutionary.

The new Mile Zero Trailhead, or as I like to call it, "The Gateway to Instagrammable Hikes," boasts cutting-edge features like gravel and limestone. Truly, the future is now. And let’s not overlook the Butterfly Pavilion—because nothing says "rugged outdoor adventure" like a steel-and-limestone structure where you can sit and contemplate your life choices while surrounded by insects.

Kathy Miller, CEO of the Hill Country Conservancy, gushed about the trail’s ability to highlight "the hills, the biodiversity, the hydrology, and the geology." Translation: It’s dirt, rocks, and water, but with a PR spin. The trail also connects to the Great Springs Project, a 100-mile path from the Alamo to the Texas Capitol, because apparently, we needed a way for history buffs and fitness fanatics to suffer together.

Contractor Tim Eischen, who has "been here every day for 10 months," deserves a medal—or at least a stiff drink—for enduring the bureaucratic nightmare that is building anything in Austin. And let’s not forget the real heroes: the volunteers who will now be conscripted to pull weeds and fight erosion, all in the name of preserving this hallowed ground where people will inevitably leave their dog’s poop bags "for later."

So grab your $200 hiking boots, your artisanal reusable water bottle, and your sense of superiority—the Violet Crown Trail is open for business. Just don’t expect cell service.