Tesla to Travis County: ‘LOL, What Contract?’

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Tesla—the company that brought us self-driving cars that occasionally drive themselves into fire trucks—is now playing hardball with Travis County over a few measly tax rebates. County officials are scratching their heads, wondering why a company led by a guy who tweets memes at 3 AM isn’t being totally transparent about whether they’ve met their contractual obligations.

Margaret Gomez, a Travis County commissioner who apparently still believes in the concept of "rules," expressed frustration that Tesla is treating the contract like a Terms of Service agreement—something you scroll past and click "I Agree" without reading. "They don't have this, they don't have that," Gomez said, echoing the collective sigh of every parent whose kid "lost" their homework. "A company like that should be good at keeping records." Bold assumption, Margaret. This is the same company that thought "Full Self-Driving" was a reasonable name for a feature that requires constant human supervision.

Meanwhile, Tesla’s legal team is probably drafting a response that reads, "Uh, have you seen our stock price? Just give us the money." The contract, which includes such laughably vague requirements as being "environmentally conscientious," is about as enforceable as a New Year’s resolution. Tesla’s idea of environmental conscientiousness seems to be dumping untreated wastewater into the Colorado River and calling it "innovation."

Amanda Marzullo, an attorney running for county commissioner, is horrified—not just by the contract, but by the fact that anyone thought Elon Musk would follow through on promises. "It would make more sense if the county were to say, ‘You're in breach of contract, and we can renegotiate,’" she said. But let’s be real: Tesla’s idea of renegotiation is tweeting "Fake News" and waiting for the internet to move on.

Activists with Tesla Takedown are demanding accountability, which is adorable. They’ve pointed to OSHA logs showing over 1,000 worker injuries in 2023, but come on—those are just "growing pains" in the grand tradition of Silicon Valley disruption. As for the pollution violations? That’s just Tesla’s way of giving the Colorado River a little "flavor."

At this point, Travis County might as well cut Tesla a check and save everyone the trouble. After all, what’s a few million dollars in tax rebates compared to the privilege of hosting a factory that occasionally catches fire? As one local put it, "If middle-class homeowners have to pay increasingly large property tax bills, then we sure as hell expect a company worth $1.3 trillion to do the same." Cute. Someone clearly hasn’t read the "Rules for Thee, Not for Me" handbook that comes with every billionaire starter kit.

In conclusion, Tesla will probably get its money, Travis County will get a few more OSHA violations, and Elon Musk will tweet something cryptic about Mars. The circle of life continues.

Disclaimer: No AI was harmed in the writing of this article, but several bureaucrats lost their patience.