Court Ruins Texas GOP’s Perfectly Good Gerrymandering Scheme—Again

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about it into my webcam for months), a panel of judges in El Paso has struck down Texas’s latest congressional map. The ruling, which claims the map was drawn based on race, has sent shockwaves through the political establishment—or at least through the parts of it that still pretend to care about democracy.

LULAC, the nation’s oldest Latino civil rights organization, is celebrating the decision like they just won the World Series of Voting Rights. Roman Palomares, LULAC’s national president, called it a 'victory for the people of Texas,' which is hilarious because when was the last time the people of Texas actually won anything? Meanwhile, Ray Mancera, LULAC’s southwest VP, is out here talking about 'fair representation' like he hasn’t noticed that half the state legislature is still busy debating whether to rename Austin 'Tofu Town.'

But fear not, patriots, because Ken Paxton is on the case. The man who’s spent more time in court than a daytime TV judge has vowed to appeal the decision to the Supreme Court, where he’s presumably hoping the justices will rule in his favor while wearing their 'I Heart Gerrymandering' t-shirts. Paxton, in his trademark subtlety, accused the 'radical left' of undermining democracy—which is rich coming from a guy whose entire career is basically a how-to guide for undermining democracy.

Meanwhile, Democratic state legislators are popping champagne like they just won a game of Monopoly. James Talarico, who’s basically the human embodiment of a participation trophy, is out here claiming he 'inspired millions' by breaking quorum. Sure, James. And I inspired millions by livestreaming my conspiracy theories from my mom’s basement.

Julie Johnson, the newly minted congresswoman, is also thrilled, saying the ruling stops Republicans from 'silencing voters of color.' Never mind that the GOP’s entire platform these days is basically 'silence everyone who isn’t us.' And let’s not forget Lloyd Doggett, who’s somehow still in office despite Republicans redrawing his district every time he blinks. Doggett is now 'hopeful' about the Supreme Court’s decision, which is adorable, because hope is all Democrats have left at this point.

The Texas AFL-CIO is calling this a 'victory for workers,' which is funny because when was the last time a worker in Texas actually felt victorious? Maybe when they found an extra napkin in their Whataburger bag.

So here we are, folks. Another day, another court battle over who gets to rig the system. The only thing we know for sure is that no matter what happens, the people of Texas will continue to be the real losers. But hey, at least we still have barbecue. For now. Until the deep state replaces it with tofu. Wake up, sheeple!