BREAKING: You Can Still Afford Rent in Texas (If You Don’t Mind Living in a Cultural Wasteland)

In a groundbreaking study that has sent shockwaves through the nation’s struggling renters, Zillow has discovered the holy grail of housing: two whole cities in Texas where you can still find an apartment for under $1,000 a month. That’s right, folks—for the low, low price of just $999.99 (plus utilities, application fees, a mandatory valet trash service, and your firstborn), you too can live in a place where the walls aren’t made of pure despair.\n\nThe study, which apparently involved Zillow employees bravely venturing into the uncharted wilds of McAllen and El Paso, found that more than half of the listings in these metropolitan utopias won’t require you to sell a kidney on the black market. Truly, a miracle for anyone who’s ever stared at their paycheck and wondered if 'van life' was just a euphemism for 'homeless but with Instagram clout.'\n\nOf course, the catch is that you have to live in Wichita, Kansas, or McAllen, Texas—two places so culturally vibrant that even Google Maps occasionally forgets they exist. But hey, at least you won’t be 'severely cost-burdened,' which is real-estate speak for 'choosing between rent and eating something other than ramen.' And let’s be honest, if you’re already considering moving to a city where the biggest attraction is a Walmart Supercenter, you’ve probably accepted that your dreams died years ago.\n\nThe study also thoughtfully included a list of other affordable cities, like Little Rock and Toledo, because nothing says 'thriving metropolis' like a place where the most exciting nightlife is watching the local meth lab explode from a safe distance. But don’t worry—if you act now, you might even snag a unit with working plumbing! (Terms and conditions apply. Plumbing not guaranteed.)\n\nSo pack your bags, aspiring homeowners of America! Your affordable future awaits… in a one-bedroom with questionable carpet stains and a landlord who thinks 'maintenance' is a dirty word. Happy renting!\n\n(Disclaimer: This article is satire. No actual landlords were harmed in the making of this joke, though many should be.)