Texas Speed Limits: A Hilarious Guide to Breaking the Law 'Safely'

Ah, Texas—where the speed limits are more like gentle suggestions and the highways are basically the Autobahn with better BBQ. The recent existential crisis over whether you can legally speed to "keep up with traffic" is peak Lone Star logic. Let’s break it down, y’all.

First, the Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) wants you to know that speeding caused 1,467 fatalities last year. That’s roughly the population of a small Texas town, wiped out because someone really needed to get to Whataburger 30 seconds faster. But hey, at least they died doing what they loved: tailgating at 90 mph while blasting George Strait.

Now, the law says you can’t go faster than is "reasonable for the conditions." But let’s be real—what’s "reasonable" in a state where the unofficial motto is "Drive fast, take chances"? The posted limit might say 70 mph, but if you’re not doing 85, you’re basically a traffic cone. And don’t even think about driving the speed limit in the left lane unless you want to be honked at by a lifted truck with a "Don’t Tread on Me" sticker.

Here’s the kicker: Texas law doesn’t care if everyone else is speeding. If you’re caught, you’re guilty. It’s like being the only one at a party who gets busted for underage drinking while everyone else is doing keg stands. The cop won’t care that "everyone else was doing it"—mainly because he was probably speeding too.

And let’s talk about the prima facie speed limits. Fancy Latin term for "we’ll pretend this matters until you argue in court that your 95 mph was totally safe." Because nothing says "justice" like a judge nodding along as you explain that your Tesla’s autopilot was "in the zone."

But the real comedy gold? The idea that driving too slow is also illegal. That’s right, folks—if you’re cruising at 55 mph in the fast lane, you’re basically a public menace. Texas doesn’t have time for your cautious driving. This is a state where people treat stop signs like optional suggestions and red lights like a personal challenge.

So, to summarize: Speed limits are fake, traffic laws are vibes-based, and the only real rule is "don’t get caught." Welcome to Texas, where the roads are wild, the drivers are wilder, and the only thing faster than your car is the cop writing your ticket. Yeehaw.