Thanksgiving Travel Chaos: A Westlake Mom’s Guide to Surviving the Peasant Exodus

As I sit here in my immaculately decorated Westlake home, sipping on a pumpkin spice latte (organic, of course), I can’t help but shudder at the thought of the impending chaos on our roads. Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again—when the unwashed masses abandon their sensible routines and descend upon our highways like a swarm of locusts, armed with gas station snacks and questionable playlists. According to AAA, a record-breaking 5.8 million Texans will be traveling this Thanksgiving. That’s 5.8 million people who clearly don’t understand the luxury of a quiet, private holiday at home, where the only traffic is the line for the charcuterie board.

Let’s break this down, shall we? First, 5.3 million of these travelers will be driving. That’s 5.3 million opportunities for someone to cut me off on Mopac because they’re too busy texting Aunt Karen about the perfect cranberry sauce recipe. And don’t even get me started on the 328,000 Texans who will fly. Do they not realize that airports are basically petri dishes of chaos and poor decision-making? I, for one, would rather host a last-minute Friendsgiving with my interior designer than subject myself to the indignity of TSA pat-downs and middle seats.

But the real kicker? Texas leads the nation in distracted driving during Thanksgiving. Shocking, I know. Nothing says gratitude like swerving into my lane because you’re too busy live-streaming your turkey carving. And let’s not forget the 68% increase in speeding—because nothing says family values like turning I-35 into your personal Autobahn while your children scream in the backseat.

AAA’s helpful tips include checking your tires and battery before hitting the road. Cute. As if the people who think it’s acceptable to merge at 40 mph are capable of basic vehicle maintenance. And TxDOT’s “Be Smart. Drive Smart” campaign? Adorable. Maybe next they can launch a “Don’t Be a Menace on the Road While I’m Trying to Get to Whole Foods” initiative.

So, to all you holiday travelers: Godspeed. Or, better yet, just stay home. The roads—and my sanity—will thank you.