Camp Mystic’s 2026 Comeback Tour: Because Who Needs Closure When You’ve Got Profit Margins?

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been warning you people for years), Camp Mystic—the same summer camp that turned into a real-life horror movie last July—has announced its triumphant return for 2026. That’s right, folks, nothing says "we’ve learned our lesson" like reopening before they’ve even found all the bodies.

According to their totally sincere letter to families, the camp will now operate out of their "undamaged" Cypress Lake location. Undamaged, of course, because the floods didn’t reach it—not because they actually planned for safety. But don’t worry, they’ve pinky-promised to "exceed" safety standards, which probably means they’ll throw in a few extra life jackets between the archery range and the haunted river.

And let’s talk about these so-called "improvements." High-capacity generators? Great, now when the next flood hits, at least the kids can charge their phones before they’re swept away. Flood-warning monitors? Oh, you mean the same technology that already exists and should have been there last time? And NOAA weather alerts in every cabin? Wow, groundbreaking. Next, they’ll be bragging about installing doors on the cabins.

Meanwhile, grieving families—who clearly just don’t understand the business of childhood trauma—are out here complaining about "profits over safety." Come on, people! This is America! Since when has safety ever stopped a good old-fashioned capitalist comeback tour? The camp’s lawyers are probably drafting their "thoughts and prayers" press release as we speak.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the Eastland family, who own the camp and are now being cruelly sued for their alleged "negligence." I mean, how were they supposed to know a river could flood? Rivers are notoriously unpredictable, like my ex-wife or the stock market.

So, mark your calendars, folks! Camp Mystic 2026: Where the memories last a lifetime… if you’re lucky. Enrollment opens soon—bring your own flotation device and a notarized waiver absolving the camp of any responsibility when history inevitably repeats itself. Wake up, sheeple!