H-E-B ‘Scam’ Exposed: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Coupon Conspiracy

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, H-E-B has issued a warning about an online scam—because apparently, some people still believe in free things on the internet. The scam, which promises unsuspecting Texans the holy grail of grocery rewards (a gift card!), is just the latest ploy by shadowy forces to harvest your data, your soul, and probably your grandma’s famous pecan pie recipe.

According to H-E-B’s official statement—which, let’s be honest, could also be a deep-state operation—the scam lures victims with the promise of a “large gift card or shopping spree.” Because nothing says “legitimate” like a random Facebook link demanding you share it with 10 friends and surrender your social security number.

But here’s the real conspiracy: What if H-E-B is in on it? Think about it. They’re warning you about scams while quietly pushing their own app and website. Coincidence? I think not. Wake up, sheeple! Big Grocery is watching, and they’re coming for your coupons.

And let’s talk about the timing. The holidays? When people are desperate for discounts and willing to believe in miracles? Classic psychological warfare. These scammers aren’t just after your credit card info—they’re crushing your Christmas spirit. Next thing you know, they’ll be offering free brisket for life. (Spoiler: It’s a trap.)

So before you click that link, ask yourself: Is this the work of rogue hackers, or is it a false flag operation by the tofu-industrial complex? Either way, stay vigilant. And maybe just stick to the meat aisle, where the only thing getting hacked is the price of ribeyes.