Texas Cities Ranked 'Most Sinful'—Because Apparently, Having Fun is a Crime Now

Oh, the horror! The absolute moral decay! According to the latest "study" (probably funded by Big Tofu and the Deep State), Texas cities are apparently dens of sin, debauchery, and—gasp—adult entertainment establishments. That’s right, folks, Houston is now the second-most sinful city in America, right behind Las Vegas, which, last I checked, was literally nicknamed Sin City. But no, Houston’s real crime? Too many strip clubs and too many people Googling things they shouldn’t be Googling. Clearly, this is the work of the Illuminati trying to distract us from the real issues—like why Austin’s city council keeps replacing our beloved barbecue joints with kombucha bars.

Dallas, meanwhile, is apparently a hotbed of lust and vanity, which, honestly, tracks. Have you seen the hair and makeup in Uptown? It’s like everyone’s auditioning for a reality show about rich people with trust issues. And San Antonio? Well, they’re just lazy, according to this totally unbiased study. (Never mind that they’ve been carrying the Alamo’s legacy for centuries—cut them some slack!)

But fear not, patriots! There’s hope for Texas yet. Laredo, bless its heart, is one of the least sinful cities in America. That’s right—while Houston is out here living its best Vegas-lite life, Laredo is just… existing. No lust, no greed, just good old-fashioned not doing much. Truly inspiring.

And let’s not forget Brownsville, where the biggest sin is not exercising. That’s right—apparently, sitting on your couch watching Netflix is now a moral failing. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us that eating Whataburger at 2 AM is gluttony. (Spoiler alert: It is. And it’s delicious.)

So what’s the takeaway here? According to WalletHub (which is definitely not a front for the New World Order), Texas is a mixed bag of sin and salvation. But let’s be real—if enjoying life a little too much is a sin, then lock me up and throw away the key. Because if there’s one thing Texans know how to do, it’s live large. And if that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Wake up, sheeple! This "study" is just another ploy to shame us into conformity. Next they’ll be telling us that hating Californians is a sin. Oh wait—Dallas already ranked high for anger and hatred. Oops.