Apartment Fire Ruins Perfectly Good Afternoon of Moral Outrage

As I was sipping my organic, fair-trade, gluten-free oat milk latte (because anything less would be uncivilized), I received yet another urgent notification about a fire in North Austin. Honestly, can’t these flames just wait until after my Pilates class? I mean, we just had a fire last month—haven’t these people heard of scheduling?

According to the Austin Fire Department, the blaze is "large," which, frankly, is subjective. Is it large like my neighbor’s unsightly inflatable Halloween decorations (which I personally reported to the HOA)? Or large like the portion sizes at that new farm-to-table bistro that still hasn’t responded to my Yelp review about their under-seasoned quinoa?

And let’s talk about the location—West Anderson Lane. That’s practically my side of town. Do you know how much traffic this is going to cause? I have a very important meeting at the country club to discuss the real crisis: the lack of avocado toast at brunch. Now I’ll have to take another route, which means passing more food trucks. The horror.

Assistant Chief Andre de la Reza is set to brief reporters at 3 p.m., but let’s be real—what we really need is a briefing on why this fire didn’t have the decency to start after rush hour. And why isn’t anyone talking about the aesthetic damage? Those apartments were just painted beige.

In conclusion, while some may see this as a tragedy, I see it as yet another inconvenience in my very busy schedule. Thoughts and prayers to the firefighters, but mostly to me, because now I have to reschedule my Botox appointment. Priorities, people.

This is a developing story, but let’s hope the next development is a fire-free week so I can finally enjoy my yoga session in peace.