Austin’s Newest Holiday Gift: A Free Pass for Your Drunken Parking Crimes

Ah, Austin—the city where you can get a parking ticket for breathing too close to a meter, but also where the government will happily forgive your vehicular sins if you just prove you were too hammered to drive. What a time to be alive. The city’s Get Home Safe Ticket Waiver Program is basically a golden ticket for the modern-day party animal: Drink, park, Uber, repeat. It’s like a loyalty program, but instead of earning points for coffee, you earn absolution for poor life choices.

Let’s break this down. Step one: Don’t drink and drive. Groundbreaking advice, really. But instead of, you know, not drinking to excess, the city’s solution is to just abandon your car like a forgotten Tinder date and let taxpayers foot the bill for your lack of self-control. Step two: Get home safely. Preferably via a rideshare, because nothing says “responsible adult” like slurring your address to a stranger making $3 an hour after Uber’s cut. Step three: Upload documents immediately. Because if there’s one thing a hungover person wants to do at 9 a.m., it’s navigate municipal bureaucracy while questioning their life choices.

And the best part? No limit on waivers. That’s right, folks. You can turn this into a lifestyle. Why bother with designated drivers or, heaven forbid, moderation when you can just treat Austin’s parking enforcement like your personal AA sponsor? “Hi, my name is Chad, and I’ve used the Get Home Safe waiver 37 times this month.”

So, this holiday season, remember: The city isn’t just enabling your bad decisions—it’s rewarding them. Cheers to that, Austin. Stay reckless, stay irresponsible, and most importantly, stay out of the driver’s seat.