"Drip My Faucet? Over My Dead, Perfectly Manicured Lawn!"

Oh, the horror! The absolute trauma of having to drip a faucet during winter. As if we don’t already suffer enough—what with the HOA’s strict regulations on holiday wreaths and the sheer injustice of Whole Foods running out of organic, gluten-free, non-GMO, artisanal cranberry sauce before Thanksgiving. But now? Now we must contend with the unthinkable: water… dripping… on purpose.

Let’s be real, folks. If your pipes freeze, it’s clearly because you didn’t manifest enough positive energy into your home’s plumbing system. I, for one, have my essential oil diffuser running 24/7 near the water heater—lavender for relaxation, eucalyptus for pipe resilience. And yet, the city dares to suggest we lower our thermostats to a barbaric 55 degrees? Excuse me, but my children’s violin lessons require a minimum of 72 degrees for optimal finger flexibility.

And don’t even get me started on the outdoor spigots. The audacity of expecting us to drain them like some kind of peasant! I paid good money for that spigot to match my Tuscan-inspired landscaping, and now I’m supposed to cover it? With what—a tarp? Absolutely not. I’ll be calling my interior designer to commission a bespoke, weatherproof spigot cozy in a neutral tone that complements my exterior shiplap.

But the real tragedy here? The suggestion that we might have to open our cabinets to let warm air reach the pipes. Do they know how long it took me to organize those cabinets? If my husband sees the chaos of my spice drawer, he might finally realize I alphabetized it by vibes instead of actual names. And then what? Marital discord. All because some bureaucrat thinks a dripping faucet is more important than my aesthetic.

So, no, I will not be dripping my faucets. I will, however, be drafting a strongly worded email to the city council about the emotional distress this winter preparedness guide has caused me. And if my pipes burst? Well, that’s what GoFundMe is for. #ThoughtsAndPrayersForMyPlumbing