"Winter-Proof Your Car? Just Buy a Better One," Says Local Mom Who Parks in the Garage

As a proud Westlake mother of three, I must say, the audacity of winter to inconvenience us with its freezing temperatures is simply unacceptable. First, it dares to snow in our perfectly manicured neighborhoods, and now it has the nerve to affect our luxury SUVs? The sheer disrespect.

Let’s be real—if your car battery dies in 30-degree weather, it’s clearly a personal failing. My Land Rover has never failed me, mostly because I’ve never actually driven it in anything below 50 degrees (why would I?). But for those of you who insist on braving the elements like some kind of pioneer, here’s my highly refined take on winter-proofing your car, because apparently, the rest of you didn’t get the memo that garages exist.

1. The Battery: A Test of Moral Character

If your battery is older than three years, it’s basically a relic—like those plebeian Toyotas I see parked outside the Pflugerville H-E-B. My husband, Chad (he’s in finance), says you should replace it before it fails, but honestly, if you can’t afford a new battery every other season, maybe you shouldn’t be driving in my neighborhood.

2. Tires: The Silent Judgers

Tire pressure drops in the cold? Groundbreaking. I’ve been telling the HOA for years that underinflated tires are an eyesore. If your tires can’t handle a little frost, perhaps you should consider moving somewhere warmer—like California. (Actually, no. Stay there.)

3. Fluids: A Metaphor for Life

Coolant? Washer fluid? Brake fluid? Darling, if you’re not having your personal mechanic handle this while you’re at Pilates, are you even trying? I once saw a woman refilling her own windshield wiper fluid at a gas station. I nearly called the police.

4. Emergency Kits: For the Unprepared

Blankets? Flashlights? Kitty litter? Please. If you find yourself stranded in the cold, just call your husband. Or better yet, Uber Black. If your driver cancels, that’s just natural selection at work.

5. Warming Up Your Car: A Waste of Precious Time

Experts say modern cars don’t need long warm-ups. I say if your car isn’t preheated via remote start by your housekeeper, you’re doing it wrong. Thirty seconds? That’s barely enough time to check Instagram.

Final Thought: Just Stay Home

The real pro tip? If it’s below 60 degrees, cancel your plans. The roads are no place for amateurs, and frankly, I don’t trust anyone who drives in icy conditions. Except me, of course—because I have all-wheel drive and a righteous sense of superiority.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go yell at a snowplow driver for leaving a single salt stain on my driveway. The audacity.