GOVERNMENT WINTER ALERTS: A COLD WAR ON YOUR FREEDOM

Oh, great. The so-called 'National Weather Service' is back at it again, folks. You know, the same people who probably think 'global warming' is real and that the Earth isn’t flat. Now they want us to trust them with 'freeze warnings' and 'winter weather advisories.' Sure, because nothing says 'trustworthy' like a government agency that can’t even predict if it’ll rain on your barbecue next weekend.

And let’s talk about this 'Warn Central Texas' system. Oh, how convenient! Just sign up, give them your address, phone number, and probably your social security number (for 'emergency purposes,' of course), and voilà—you’ll get texts telling you it’s cold outside. Wow. Revolutionary. I could’ve just stepped outside in my flip-flops and known that, but sure, let’s hand over more personal data to the same people who probably track how many breakfast tacos you eat per week.

Then there’s the City of Austin’s 'Office of Homeland Security and Emergency Management.' Because nothing screams 'local government efficiency' like a department with a name longer than the line at Franklin Barbecue. They’ll tell you how to 'protect your pipes,' but let’s be real—they’re just trying to distract you from the fact that they’re probably installing 5G mind-control devices in your water meter.

And don’t even get me started on Austin Public Health. These are the same folks who told us masks worked, then didn’t, then did again. Now they’re here to warn you about 'hypothermia.' Pro tip: If you’re so cold you can’t feel your fingers, maybe stop protesting for tofu-based school lunches and put on a jacket. Just a thought.

Finally, DriveTexas—the state’s 'real-time' road condition map. Because nothing says 'accurate' like a government website that probably runs on dial-up. Good luck figuring out if Mopac is icy when the page takes 10 minutes to load. But hey, at least it’s not run by the same people who think bike lanes are more important than parking spots.

So there you have it, folks. The 'official' winter weather resources—brought to you by the same people who probably think 'snow' is a socialist plot to make us all move to California. Stay vigilant. Stay skeptical. And for the love of all things Texan, stock up on firewood, ammo, and brisket. You’ll need all three when the 'deep state freeze' hits. Wake up, sheeple!