‘Winter’ in Texas: A Tragic Tale of Mild Discomfort and Overdressing

As a recent LA transplant, I have to say, the sheer drama Central Texans put into winter weather is nothing short of Oscar-worthy. Layer up? Stay warm? Honey, I’ve seen more layers at a Coachella outfit change. But sure, let’s all pretend 40 degrees is the Arctic tundra.

First off, the wind chill index? Please. That’s just Mother Nature’s way of saying, ‘You thought you could wear that cute cropped jacket? Think again.’ And yet, Texans treat it like a biblical prophecy. If the wind chill makes it feel like 6 degrees, just throw on a beanie and call it ‘elevated streetwear.’ Problem solved.

Then there’s the hypothermia hysteria. Look, I get it—no one wants to turn into a human popsicle. But let’s be real: if you’re losing body heat because you ‘sat on a cold surface,’ maybe just… don’t do that? Pro tip: benches are for Instagram pics, not naps.

And don’t even get me started on the kid layering system. ‘One more layer than an adult’? So if I’m in a hoodie, my hypothetical child should be wrapped in a duvet? Sounds like a great way to ensure they never move again. Also, the car seat coat rule is just proof that parenting is a minefield of things you didn’t know could kill your child. Who knew a puffer jacket was basically a death trap?

Finally, Austin ISD’s recess temperature rules are sending me. ‘Below 38 degrees? 45 minutes max.’ Meanwhile, in LA, kids are indoors if it drops below 60. The fact that Texans consider 34 degrees ‘recess-worthy’ is either admirable or deeply concerning. Jury’s still out.

In conclusion, if you’re cold, just move to California. Or, you know, buy a better jacket. But where’s the fun in that when you could turn a light breeze into a survivalist documentary? Stay frosty, Austin. Literally.