Austin’s Holiday Spectacle: Where Capitalism Dresses Up as Christmas

Ah, the holidays in Austin—where the city that once prided itself on being "weird" now gleefully embraces the corporate-sponsored, Instagrammable, and utterly soulless spectacle of seasonal cheer. Nothing says "Keep Austin Weird" like two million LED bulbs illuminating Zilker Park while a line of SUVs idles for hours, pumping exhaust into the crisp December air. Truly, the magic of the season is alive and well, especially if you ignore the fact that the Trail of Lights now costs more than a month’s rent in a punk house. But hey, at least the kids can write letters to Santa while their parents max out their credit cards on overpriced churros.

Speaking of wholesome traditions, let’s talk about Shop With a Cop, where Austin’s finest take children on a $150 shopping spree at Target. Because nothing screams "community trust" like cops playing Santa while the city’s homeless population freezes under bridges. But don’t worry—the photo ops are chef’s kiss. Nothing warms the heart like a toddler clutching a new toy while the officer who evicted their neighbor last month smiles for the camera.

And who could forget the Elf Pub Run, where grown adults dress as elves and stumble between bars before watching a movie they’ve seen 47 times? It’s like SXSW, but with more spandex and fewer tech bros (okay, maybe the same number of tech bros). Meanwhile, over at the Driskill Hotel, rich folks hug it out under a tree that probably costs more than my van. Class solidarity at its finest.

But the real pièce de résistance? The Ice Rink at the Long Center, where Austinites pay $22 to skate in 70-degree weather while staring at the skyline that’s slowly pricing them out of their own neighborhoods. Nothing says "winter wonderland" like sweating through your ugly Christmas sweater.

So gather ‘round, y’all, and bask in the glow of Austin’s holiday industrial complex. Because if there’s one thing this city loves, it’s turning rebellion into revenue. Ho ho ho, motherf—ers.