BREAKING: Dogs Are Not Polar Bears—A Winter Pet Safety Guide for the Clueless

As a responsible pet owner (and by responsible, I mean someone who spends more on my dog’s wardrobe than my own), I was absolutely horrified to read that some people still need to be told to bring their pets inside when it’s cold. I mean, honestly, if you’re the type of person who needs a news article to remind you that snow is cold, perhaps you shouldn’t be trusted with a goldfish, let alone a living, breathing creature with fur and feelings.

But since we live in a world where common sense is apparently an endangered species, let’s break down these groundbreaking winter pet safety tips, shall we?

1. If it’s too cold for you, it’s too cold for your pet.
Ah, yes. The revolutionary concept that animals also feel cold. Who knew? Next, they’ll tell us water is wet. But just in case you were considering leaving Fido outside to ‘toughen him up,’ remember: he’s not training for the Iditarod. He’s a Chihuahua named Princess. Bring. Him. Inside.

2. Towel-dry your pet when they come in.
Because nothing says ‘luxury living’ like your golden retriever shaking snow all over your Pottery Barn couch. But sure, let’s pretend we’re all diligently toweling off our pets like they’re tiny, furry Olympians fresh from the pool.

3. Massage petroleum jelly into their paws.
Ah, the pinnacle of suburban pet parenthood—spending your evenings rubbing Vaseline into a dog’s feet while your children eat cereal for dinner. Booties are also suggested, but let’s be real: if your dog tolerates shoes, he’s already a better-behaved family member than your middle child.

4. Never shave your dog down to the skin in winter.
Unless, of course, you’re going for that ‘desperate, half-frozen rat’ aesthetic. In which case, carry on.

5. Wash their feet after walks.
Because nothing says ‘I have too much time on my hands’ like giving your dog a pedicure after every potty break. Meanwhile, my dog is out here licking road salt like it’s a gourmet snack.

6. Bathe them less often.
Finally, a tip I can get behind. ‘Sorry, kids, the dog can’t be washed—it’s winter safety protocol.’

7. Clean up antifreeze spills.
Or, you know, just let your pet drink it and save on vet bills by skipping straight to the funeral expenses. (Too dark? Sorry. But seriously, clean it up.)

8. Feed them more.
Finally, a scientific excuse for my Lab’s third breakfast. ‘He’s not fat, Karen, he’s thermally optimized.’

9. Give them a warm place to sleep.
Preferably not your bed, unless you enjoy being woken at 3 AM by a cold nose in your ear and the unmistakable sound of a dog vomiting on your Egyptian cotton sheets.

10. Never let them off-leash in snow.
Because the only thing worse than losing your dog in a snowstorm is explaining to your HOA why your Siberian Husky is now leading a pack of strays through the neighborhood like some kind of frostbitten Snowpiercer rebellion.

So there you have it, folks. Winter pet safety: because apparently, some of you need to be told that ice is slippery and dogs don’t wear parkas by default. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wrestle a sweater onto a very uncooperative dachshund. Pray for me.