Texas Migration Madness: Everyone’s Moving In (And Then Immediately Regretting It)

Ah, Texas—the land of cowboy boots, barbecue, and an ever-growing population of disillusioned Californians. According to the latest migration data, the Lone Star State is basically the Walmart parking lot of America: crowded, chaotic, and full of people who just showed up with a U-Haul and a dream. And by "dream," I mean fleeing their home state’s crippling taxes and housing prices for the sweet, sweet promise of no income tax and a McMansion with a three-car garage.

Let’s break it down. Over a million people moved to Texas last year, and shocker—most of them were Gen Xers and Millennials. You know, the generations who’ve been priced out of coastal cities but still think they’re too cool for suburbia. Spoiler alert: You’re not. Welcome to your new life of HOA fees and backyard chickens.

Dallas-Fort Worth is the undisputed king of this migration madness, sucking in 31.7% of new Texans like a black hole of Whataburger and traffic jams. Houston and Austin follow close behind, because nothing says "I’ve made it" like paying $3,000 a month for an apartment next to a highway. And let’s not forget the real MVPs: the 14% of newcomers from California. Yes, you escaped the Golden State’s dystopian housing market, but at what cost? Now you’re stuck explaining to your friends back home why you willingly moved somewhere with 100-degree summers and fire ants.

But here’s the kicker—people are also leaving Texas. Gasp! Where are they going? Mostly Florida, because apparently, hurricanes and DeSantis memes are preferable to Texas’s power grid failures. Others are fleeing to California, which is like trading one dumpster fire for another, but hey, at least the avocado toast is better.

And let’s talk about the real tragedy here: Austin. The once-weird, now-overpriced tech bro playground is still growing faster than Elon Musk’s ego. But even Austin’s charm can’t hide the fact that it’s become a parody of itself—a place where you’ll pay $15 for a taco while a startup founder in Allbirds pitches you on his blockchain-based kombucha company.

So, to all you brave souls moving to Texas: enjoy your tax breaks, your sprawling suburbs, and the existential dread of realizing you’re now part of the problem. Just remember—when the power goes out in August, don’t say we didn’t warn you.