Texas Politicians Swap Gifts: Coal, Gerrymandering, and a Trump Pardon No One Saw Coming

Ah, the holiday season—when Texas politicians exchange gifts like lobbyists exchange briefcases full of "donations." But this year, the real magic wasn’t under the tree—it was in the backroom deals, the betrayals, and the sheer audacity of our so-called "public servants." Let’s unwrap this festive farce, shall we?

First up, the Texas House Democrats, those lovable underdogs, decided to play Santa for a Republican. That’s right, folks—49 Democrats joined forces with 36 Republicans to crown Rep. Dustin Burrows as Speaker. Why? Because nothing says "bipartisanship" like handing power to the guy who’ll immediately stab you in the back. And boy, did he deliver! Committee chairmanships for Democrats? Gone. Abortion pill lawsuits? Here you go. Ten Commandments in schools? Merry Christmas, separation of church and state! It’s like the Democrats gave Burrows a winning lottery ticket, and he used it to buy them a lump of coal. Classic.

Meanwhile, Gov. Greg Abbott—Texas’s own Ebenezer Scrooge—decided to veto Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick’s pet project: a ban on hemp-derived products. Patrick, who’s been dreaming of a THC-free Texas, got a big ol’ "Bah, humbug!" from Abbott. But let’s be real, this was less about policy and more about two grown men in suits fighting over who gets to be the Grinch this year.

Then there’s Democratic Rep. James Talarico, who got the gift of a lifetime: a 2½-hour chat with Joe Rogan. That’s right, folks, the Austin lawmaker went from "Who?" to "Hey, I’ve heard of that guy!" overnight. But just as Talarico started polishing his bipartisan halo, in swoops Rep. Jasmine Crockett, polling like she’s already won. Talarico’s gift? A shiny new opponent. Ho ho ho.

And let’s not forget the Supreme Court’s little stocking stuffer: letting Texas gerrymander its way to victory. Because nothing says "democracy" like redrawing maps until the opposition disappears. But wait—California voters, those wacky West Coast elves, decided to redistrict too, potentially costing Republicans five seats. Karma’s a funny thing, isn’t it?

But the pièce de résistance? Donald Trump pardoning Democratic Rep. Henry Cuellar on bribery charges. That’s right, folks—Trump, the man who once said "Lock her up!" decided to play Santa for a Democrat. Why? Because Cuellar criticized Biden’s border policies. And what did Trump get in return? Absolutely nothing. Cuellar stayed a Democrat, and Trump threw a tantrum on Truth Social. It’s the holiday miracle no one asked for.

So there you have it, folks—Texas politics in 2025: a twisted holiday special where the gifts are shady deals, the carols are lawsuits, and the only thing spreading cheer is the sheer absurdity of it all. Wake up, sheeple! The real war on Christmas is being waged in the Capitol. Pass the eggnog—and the tin foil hats.