**Almondgate: How H-E-B’s Yogurt Recall Exposed the Dark Underbelly of Dairy-Free Living**

In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the very foundation of the plant-based utopia we’ve all been promised, H-E-B has issued a recall for its Higher Harvest by H-E-B Dairy-Free Coconut Yogurt, Strawberry flavor—because apparently, it might contain almonds. Yes, almonds. The horror. The betrayal. The sheer audacity of nuts sneaking into our sacred dairy-free coco-yogurt like some kind of undercover allergen spy.

Let’s unpack this, shall we? Here we have a product marketed to the enlightened, the ethically superior, the I-don’t-eat-anything-that-has-a-face crowd. And yet, lurking beneath that foil lid (which, by the way, is not compostable—another crime against Mother Earth) lies a potential almond interloper. This is worse than finding out your kombucha was actually just vinegar all along.

Now, the FDA is urging consumers to not consume the product if they have an almond allergy. But let’s be real—if you’re the kind of person who eats dairy-free coconut yogurt, you’ve probably already posted a tearful Instagram story about this gross negligence before even reading the recall notice. And you’ve definitely tagged H-E-B with a caption like, “How could you do this to us? We trusted you.”

Meanwhile, the rest of Texas is just sitting here, eating their non-recalled, dairy-filled yogurt like absolute cavemen, completely unbothered by this existential crisis. But not us, the morally upright plant warriors. No, we must return the contaminated goods for a full refund—or, if you’re truly committed to the cause, stage a peaceful protest outside your local H-E-B until they promise to never, ever let almonds infiltrate our coconut-based serenity again.

And let’s not overlook the real villain here: plastic yogurt cups. Seriously, H-E-B? In 2025? We’re one step away from climate collapse, and you’re still packaging your supposedly eco-conscious yogurt in petroleum-based prisons? The almonds are just the tip of the iceberg. The melting iceberg.

So, to all my fellow yogis, activists, and kombucha connoisseurs: stay vigilant. Check your expiration dates. Question your food. And maybe, just maybe, consider that the real allergen here is capitalism.