"Closed on Christmas? How DARE They!"—A Karen’s Guide to Holiday Dining Outrage

Ah, Christmas—the season of joy, giving, and, most importantly, making sure someone else cooks your dinner. Because nothing says "peace on Earth" like demanding a Waffle House employee hand you a pecan waffle at 2 a.m. on December 25th while you drunkenly hum "Silent Night."

But fear not, fellow holiday enthusiasts who refuse to lift a finger (or a spatula)! The corporate overlords of America’s finest fast-casual establishments have heard your cries of "But what if I crave a Bloomin’ Onion at midnight?" and have graciously provided a list of which chains will remain open to serve you lukewarm nostalgia in Styrofoam containers.

Let’s start with the real tragedy here: Chick-fil-A is closed on Christmas Day. I know, I know—how dare they prioritize their employees’ right to celebrate a major religious holiday over your need for a spicy chicken sandwich? The audacity! Meanwhile, Waffle House remains open, because nothing screams "Merry Christmas" like hash browns scattered, smothered, and covered in existential dread.

And let’s not overlook the true heroes of this capitalist nativity scene: the federal government. Thanks to President Trump’s executive order (because nothing says "holiday spirit" like a last-minute decree), federal employees get three whole days off. Meanwhile, the fry cook at your local McDonald’s? He’ll be there, slinging Egg McMuffins to hungover carolers while questioning all of his life choices.

But don’t worry, Austinites—you’re special. While the rest of the country debates whether Denny’s counts as fine dining, your city’s bougie bistros are rolling out "holiday specials" (read: $28 Brussels sprouts). Because nothing completes the nativity scene like artisanal ice cream and a side of gentrification.

So go forth, dear holiday revelers! Feast upon reheated chain-restaurant fare, tip your server poorly, and remember: the true meaning of Christmas is complaining on Yelp when your Cracker Barrel closes at 2 p.m. God bless us, every one.