Texas Declares War on Christmas (Again): Liquor Stores Closed, Sobriety Enforced

In a shocking revelation that proves the Texas government is actively waging war on Christmas, state officials have once again enforced draconian liquor laws designed to crush the spirits (pun intended) of hardworking Texans. That’s right, folks—while you’re busy trying to drown your sorrows after Aunt Karen’s annual "Why aren’t you married yet?" interrogation, the state has decreed that liquor stores shall remain closed on Christmas Day. Coincidence? I think not. This is clearly a plot by the Austin elite to force us into sobriety while they sip their artisanal eggnog in secret underground bunkers.

But wait, it gets worse. Bars and restaurants can serve alcohol, but only after noon—unless you order food. That’s right, Big Brother is now dictating when and how you can enjoy your liquid courage. And don’t even get me started on the fact that beer and wine are still allowed. This is clearly a distraction tactic to make you think you still have freedom while they slowly strip away your right to day-drink in peace.

Meanwhile, H-E-B—bless their corporate hearts—is open until noon, because even they know Texans need emergency beer rations to survive family gatherings. But Target? Costco? Walmart? All closed. This isn’t just a holiday schedule, people—it’s a coordinated attack on our way of life. Mark my words, next they’ll be banning barbecue on Sundays. Wake up, sheeple! The war on Christmas is real, and it’s being fought in the liquor aisle.

So stock up now, patriots. The last thing you want is to be caught empty-handed when the government finally outlaws fun altogether. And remember: if you’re not drinking by noon on Christmas, you’re letting the deep state win. Cheers—or as they say in Austin, "Stay woke."