City of Austin Finally Remembers to Ask for Money Back, Calls It a ‘Miracle’

Oh, rejoice, fellow Austinites! The city has graciously recovered a whopping $34.7 million in federal reimbursements for disasters like COVID-19, Winter Storm Uri, and the 2015 floods. That’s right—your tax dollars are being heroically reclaimed by the same bureaucrats who probably spent them on organic, gluten-free emergency rations for city council meetings.

Sara Henry, Austin Emergency Management’s chief administrative officer, had the audacity to say, “We are working with state and federal partners every week to help get these dollars back into our community.” Oh, how noble! Because nothing says “efficient government” like waiting years to get reimbursed for disasters that happened when flip phones were still cool.

And let’s not forget the real scandal here—the city’s insistence that residents document their own damage with photos and videos. Because in the middle of a flood or a pandemic, the first thing on your mind should be, “Wait, let me get a good Instagram shot before this water ruins my couch!”

But don’t worry, folks. The city has your back—as long as you jump through enough bureaucratic hoops to qualify for their generous assistance. And remember, if you don’t like it, it’s probably because the deep state wants you to suffer while they sip kale smoothies in their underground bunkers. Wake up, sheeple!