Texas Chooses Haystack Cookies as Its Favorite Holiday Treat, Proving We Have No Standards

In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the very foundation of Westlake’s gated community, Texas has declared haystack cookies as its most-searched Christmas treat. Yes, you read that correctly—haystacks. Not artisanal, gluten-free, organic, handcrafted gingerbread houses with ethically sourced molasses. Not even those fancy Italian cookies that Karen from the HOA insists on bringing to the annual cookie swap (while passive-aggressively side-eyeing your store-bought sugar cookies). No, Texas has chosen… haystacks.

For the uninitiated (or, as I like to call them, the civilized), haystack cookies are essentially chocolate-covered chow mein noodles shaped into sad little piles. That’s right—Texas’s favorite holiday delicacy looks like something you’d find in a horse’s feedbag. But hey, at least they’re no-bake, which means even the most domestically challenged among us can microwave some chocolate and call it “baking.”

Now, I don’t mean to sound judgmental (I do), but this is a state that prides itself on brisket, queso, and margaritas the size of small children. And yet, when it comes to Christmas cookies, we collectively Google… haystacks? Did the entire state suffer a collective sugar coma and forget that shortbread exists? Or are we just too busy deep-frying our turkeys to bother with actual baking?

Meanwhile, the rest of the country is enjoying normal cookies. New York has Linzer tarts (classy). Rhode Island has Grinch cookies (festive and passive-aggressive—respect). And then there’s Texas, proudly representing with… haystacks.

Look, I get it. They’re easy. They’re crunchy. They vaguely resemble something you’d feed livestock. But is this really the hill we want to die on, Texas? Next year, let’s aim higher. Maybe even bake something. Or, God forbid, use an oven.

Until then, I’ll be at the Whole Foods cookie counter, pretending I don’t know what a haystack is.