Austin Wins Participation Trophy for Being Fourth-Best at Being Overcrowded

Oh, joy. Austin has clawed its way back to the coveted No. 4 spot in Texas’ population rankings, narrowly edging out Fort Worth in the most thrilling municipal showdown since the Great Breakfast Taco Debate of 2023. The city’s 9.6% growth rate from 2020 to 2025 is, apparently, something to celebrate—though I’m not sure if that includes the 300,000 people who moved here only to realize they can’t afford a one-bedroom apartment within 20 miles of downtown.

Let’s be real: Austin’s population surge is less about ‘keeping it weird’ and more about ‘keeping it overcrowded.’ The airport security line now stretches all the way to Round Rock, and don’t even get me started on the traffic. Remember when South Congress was a chill strip of vintage shops? Now it’s just an open-air mall for tech bros in Patagonia vests.

Meanwhile, Fort Worth—the city that briefly stole our fourth-place crown—is probably over there sipping sweet tea and laughing at our existential crisis. Their 11.1% growth rate suggests they’ve mastered the art of luring people in without turning their downtown into a dystopian hellscape of scooters and $18 avocado toast.

But hey, at least we’re still beating Dallas in something. Sure, they’ve got more people, but we’ve got… uh… Barton Springs? And the constant existential dread of being priced out of our own city?

So congratulations, Austin. You’re officially the fourth-most-populated city in Texas. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fight a Californian for the last parking spot at Whole Foods.