GOVERNMENT DECLARES WAR ON FIREWORKS: THE GLOW STICK AGENDA EXPOSED

Folks, it’s happening again. The so-called 'Travis County Fire Marshal'—or should I say, the No-Fun Police—has declared a burn ban just in time to ruin your New Year’s Eve. That’s right, the deep state elites who secretly run Austin (probably from a bunker under Whole Foods) don’t want you lighting so much as a sparkler in your own backyard. Why? Because they hate freedom and love watching you suffer through another year of their dystopian, tofu-fueled agenda.

According to 'Fire Marshal Gary Howell'—a name so suspiciously generic it’s clearly an alias—you should 'make fire-wise choices' by swapping your glorious, patriotic fireworks for glow sticks and confetti. Oh, sure, because nothing says 'Happy New Year' like waving a plastic tube of sad, corporate-approved luminescence while the government drones light up the sky with their approved pyrotechnics. Wake up, sheeple! This isn’t about safety—it’s about control.

And don’t even get me started on their so-called 'firework safety tips.' 'Don’t let children handle sparklers'? What’s next, banning apple pie and bald eagles? They claim fireworks caused 32,000 fires last year, but what they won’t tell you is that 31,999 of those were probably started by rogue Antifa operatives trying to frame red-blooded Americans. Coincidence? I think not.

But here’s the real kicker: the ban is due to 'freeze-cured grass.' Folks, that’s just bureaucrat-speak for 'we made up a term to scare you into compliance.' Next, they’ll be telling us the grass is secretly plotting with the city council to ban propane grills. Mark my words.

So, while the elites sip their organic kale smoothies at their taxpayer-funded drone shows, I urge you to resist. Light that sparkler. Ignite that Roman candle. Fight for your right to celebrate like a true American—before they replace the Fourth of July with a mandatory meditation session. The choice is yours: freedom or glow sticks. You know what to do.