Texas Cities Ranked for NYE: From 'Meh' to 'Why Bother?'

Oh, joy! Another riveting analysis from the fine folks at WalletHub, who have clearly cracked the code on how to ring in the New Year without accidentally stumbling into a real city. Because nothing says "magical experience" like ranking cities based on how many Denny’s per capita they have.

Let’s start with San Antonio, the shining star of Texas at a whopping No. 28. Congrats, Alamo City! You’ve managed to outshine checks notes... Garland. Wow. Truly, the bar is underground. But hey, at least you’ve got fireworks and, according to WalletHub, a "vibrant nightlife." By "vibrant," they clearly mean "there’s a Chili’s that stays open past 10 PM."

Then there’s Austin, sitting pretty at No. 37. Look, we get it—you’re "weird." But apparently, not weird enough to crack the top 30. Maybe if y’all stopped counting the bats as nightlife options, you’d rank higher. And let’s talk about those "early" fireworks at 10 PM. Nothing says "party like it’s 1999" like putting everyone to bed before Carson Daly even starts his countdown.

Houston, Dallas, and Fort Worth? Bless your hearts. You’re all just... there. Like that one cousin who shows up to the family reunion but doesn’t bring anything to the potluck. Houston, you’ve got restaurants! Great. Too bad no one can afford to eat at them after paying for parking. And Dallas, third-worst in safety? Yikes. Maybe focus less on being "big" and more on not being a crime statistic.

But let’s not forget the real stars of the show: Laredo and Lubbock, proudly representing Texas in the bottom 10 nationwide. Laredo, you’re worse than Jersey City. Let that sink in. And Lubbock, you’re out here making Memphis look good. At least Memphis has Graceland. What do you have? A wind advisory and a Whataburger.

And to the "best" cities—Orlando, Vegas, New York—congrats on being expensive and overcrowded. We’re so jealous of your $500 hotel rooms and Times Square porta-potties. Meanwhile, here in Texas, we’ll be celebrating the way God intended: in a Buc-ee’s parking lot, eating gas station kolaches, and pretending we don’t see the "Safety Rank: 98" next to Dallas.

So, as we prepare to toast to 2026, let’s remember WalletHub’s sage advice: The best way to celebrate is to avoid Texas unless you really love fireworks, bad traffic, and the existential dread of realizing you live in Garland. Happy New Year, y’all—or as we say here, "See you at the Whataburger drive-thru at midnight."