Austin 2025: A Year of Tragedies, Conspiracies, and Buc-ee’s

The Yogurt Shop Murders: Solved, But At What Cost?

After 34 long years, Austin’s most chilling cold case—the yogurt shop murders—has finally been cracked. Authorities used advanced DNA technology to identify the killer as Robert Eugene Brashers, a serial killer who had the audacity to die by suicide in 1999 before we could properly cancel him on Twitter. The real tragedy? The poor souls who spent decades thinking the original suspects were guilty. Imagine being wrong for that long—sounds like the average Austin City Council decision.

Fourth of July Floods: Nature’s Way of Saying ‘Stop Moving Here’

At least 80 people died in catastrophic flooding over the holiday weekend, including 27 at Camp Mystic. The Guadalupe River rose 26 feet in 45 minutes, which, for those keeping score, is faster than rent prices in East Austin. Parents are suing the camp, but let’s be real—if Texas weather didn’t want you dead, it wouldn’t have invented Flash Flood Alley. Maybe next year, we’ll just skip the fireworks and float the bodies instead. Efficiency!

I-35 Crash: The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions (and 17 Wrecked Cars)

A tractor-trailer plowed into multiple vehicles, killing five people. The driver, Solomun Weldekeal-Araya, was sober—proving once and for all that you don’t need alcohol to ruin lives in Austin, just a driver’s license and a complete lack of spatial awareness. The grand jury indicted him on 17 counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, which, coincidentally, is the same number of times I’ve been cut off on Mopac this week.

Texas: Still the Worst Place to Live (But We’re Trying!)

U-Haul says Texas is no longer a top moving destination, and U.S. News ranked us the 29th-best state—somehow still above California, which is all that matters. People are fleeing to Denver, probably because it’s harder to drown in a landlocked state. Meanwhile, six of the country’s hottest zip codes are in Texas, which explains why my AC bill could fund a small nation.

Target Shooting: Because Nothing Says ‘Retail Therapy’ Like a Massacre

Three people were gunned down at a North Austin Target, including an employee just trying to collect shopping carts. The shooter, Ethan Nieneker, had mental health issues—shocking, given that he chose Target as his crime scene. If only he’d waited for Black Friday, he could’ve taken out half the city in one go.

Gulf of Mexico? More Like Gulf of America

In a stunning display of patriotism, Donald Trump renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. Google and Apple immediately updated their maps, proving once again that tech companies will do anything for clout—except fix their algorithms. Next up: renaming the Rio Grande to Trump’s Moat.

Lady Bird Lake Serial Killer: Just a Myth (Unlike the ‘Deep State’)

Researchers finally debunked the Rainey Street Ripper theory, confirming that drowning victims were just drunk idiots, not prey for a shadowy murderer. But let’s be honest—if there was a serial killer, they’d probably be gentrified out of the city by now anyway.

Beyoncé Tickets: Dynamic Pricing or Highway Robbery?

Ticketmaster priced VIP packages for Beyoncé’s Cowboy Carter tour at $2,958—roughly the same as a month’s rent in Austin. At this rate, the only thing breaking the internet will be our credit scores.

Buc-ee’s Expansion: Because What Texas Needs is More Gas Stations

The beloved beaver empire is spreading faster than misinformation on Nextdoor. A new location in rural Colorado has locals outraged, probably because they’ve never experienced the joy of a 100-pump gas station. Meanwhile, Dolly Parton is opening a rival travel stop, because nothing says authentic Americana like a theme park disguised as a rest area.

Northwest Austin Explosion: When Your Neighbor’s DIY Project Goes Wrong

A propane leak leveled a home and rattled windows miles away. Fire officials called it an accident, but we all know the truth: someone tried to grill indoors during a burn ban. Classic Austin.

Arch Manning: Texas’ Savior (Until He Loses)

The Longhorns’ golden boy had a rollercoaster season, with fans calling him a fraud after the Florida loss. But hey, at least he beat A&M, which is all that matters in this godforsaken state.

Final Thought: Austin in 2025—Still Weird, Still Dying

From yogurt shop justice to exploding homes, this year proved one thing: Austin is still the place where dreams go to drown in traffic. But hey, at least we’re not California. Yet.