Austin Energy’s $735M Grid Plan: More Money, More Problems (And Probably More Blackouts)

Folks, it’s happening again. The so-called "experts" at Austin Energy have unveiled their latest scheme to "strengthen the grid"—or, as I like to call it, the "Great Tinfoil Hat Power Grab." That’s right, for the low, low price of $735 million (which, let’s be real, will balloon to $7.35 billion once the bureaucrats get their hands on it), they’re promising to keep your lights on during the next snowpocalypse. But here’s the kicker: they’re not even burying the power lines! Nope, instead, they’re just going to "harden" them. Sounds like something a middle schooler would say after watching too many action movies.

And let’s talk about their "vegetation management" plan. Translation: they’re going to wage war on trees. That’s right, folks, the same people who cry about deforestation are now sharpening their chainsaws to take down anything with leaves. Why? Because apparently, trees are the real villains here—not the incompetent pencil-pushers who let the grid crumble in the first place.

But wait, it gets better. They’re also rolling out "intelligent systems" and a "public dashboard" to track progress. Oh, you mean like the same kind of "intelligent systems" that left thousands of Austinites freezing in the dark for a week? And a dashboard? Great, so we can all watch in real-time as they fail to fix anything.

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: their grand plan to go "carbon-free" by 2035. Because nothing says "reliable power" like relying on sunshine and breezes to keep your fridge running. Meanwhile, they’re quietly putting out requests for natural gas generation—because even they know their green energy fantasy is about as stable as a Jenga tower in a windstorm.

So buckle up, Austin. Your power bills are about to skyrocket, your trees are on the chopping block, and your grid will still probably fail the next time a squirrel sneezes on a power line. But hey, at least you’ll have a dashboard to watch the disaster unfold. Wake up, sheeple!