Texas to New Year’s Revelers: ‘You’ve Had Enough Fun, Go Home’

Ah, Texas—the land of freedom, guns, and… government-mandated sobriety on New Year’s Day? That’s right, folks. While the rest of the country is nursing their hangovers with a Bloody Mary, Texans are left staring at the sad, locked doors of their local liquor stores, wondering if the Founding Fathers really intended for this level of tyranny.

Let’s break it down like a bad keg stand. On New Year’s Eve, you can buy liquor until 9 p.m., because nothing says 'party' like a state-mandated curfew on fun. But God forbid you wake up on January 1st with a sudden craving for top-shelf tequila—liquor stores are closed, because apparently, Texas lawmakers think you’ve had enough 'poor life choices' by then.

But don’t worry, you can still drown your sorrows in beer and wine, because those are somehow less sinful? Grocery stores open at 7 a.m., so you can stumble in, grab a six-pack, and pretend you’re just stocking up for 'brunch.' Meanwhile, bars and restaurants are open, because nothing says 'recovery' like a mimosa at noon—unless it’s a Sunday, in which case you have to wait until the holy hour of 10 a.m. (but only if you order food, because drinking on an empty stomach is where Texas draws the line).

And let’s not forget the real heroes of New Year’s Day: H-E-B and Buc-ee’s. While Costco and Trader Joe’s are off enjoying their own hangovers, these Texas icons are there for you, ready to sell you enough beer to forget that your resolutions lasted approximately 12 hours.

So, as you ring in 2025, remember: in Texas, the government will gladly let you buy a gun at 9 a.m., but a bottle of whiskey? That’s a hard no. Happy New Year, y’all—drink responsibly (or at least before 9 p.m. on December 31st).