Austin’s Great Venezuelan Protest Debacle: Three People, a Cowbell, and a Whole Lot of Confusion

Oh, the drama! The sheer, unadulterated chaos of Austin’s reaction to the U.S. military’s boldest move since Top Gun: Maverick—capturing Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro. Because nothing says 'American intervention' like a surprise raid that turns into a city-wide game of 'Who’s Protesting When?'

First, we have the Venezuelan community, split between joyous relief and existential dread—like someone just told them their favorite taco truck was closing, but also maybe getting replaced by a Chick-fil-A. Gustavo Martínez, director of communications for the Asociación Venezolana de Austin, summed it up perfectly: 'This is the beginning of the end of this horrible journey.' Or, as I like to call it, 'Tuesday in geopolitics.'

Meanwhile, Austin’s finest activists—bless their hearts—rallied at City Hall, armed with cardboard, markers, and the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for ACL Fest. Three people showed up on the wrong day, which, honestly, is peak Austin. But did they leave? No! They stayed, made signs, and honked at cars like it was a tailgate for the apocalypse. Susana Carranza, a Brazilian expat who’s seen a dictatorship or two, warned that the U.S. is 'heading toward dictatorship.' Ma’am, have you met our city council? They can’t even agree on bike lanes.

And then there’s Carrie King, ringing a cowbell like she’s at a UT football game, holding a sign that read, 'No war in Venezuela.' Bold stance, Carrie. Real nuanced. Next, she’ll be protesting rain for being 'too wet.'

Meanwhile, the Venezuelan community held a Catholic mass to pray for their homeland. Because when in doubt, pray it out—especially when the U.S. military is playing Call of Duty: Regime Change Edition. Martínez warned that the regime still controls 'the judges, the military, the mayors'—so basically, Venezuela is just Austin with worse traffic.

In the end, Austin’s response was a perfect microcosm of America: half praying, half protesting, and everyone confused about what time the revolution starts. God bless this mess.

P.S. If you see any shadowy elites replacing your brisket with tofu, you know who to blame. Wake up, sheeple.