Austin Protesters Defend Maduro, Fail to Spell ‘Venezuela’ Correctly

Oh, what a glorious day in Austin! The city’s finest collection of Che Guevara T-shirt enthusiasts, professional sign-makers, and people who still think socialism hasn’t been properly tried yet gathered at City Hall to protest the U.S. military’s bold and heroic capture of Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro. Because nothing says “solidarity” like defending a man who turned his country into an economic wasteland while sipping champagne in a gold-plated palace.

Hundreds of protesters—okay, fine, maybe 200 if you count the guy who was just there for the free vegan snacks—waved signs with deep, thought-provoking slogans like “No war in Venesuela” (spelling clearly not their strong suit) and “Are my eggs cheaper yet?” (a poignant critique of Bidenomics, no doubt). The crowd, a mix of college students who just discovered Chomsky and aging hippies who still think Woodstock was yesterday, chanted “Donald Trump, you’re a liar!”—because nothing terrifies a billionaire ex-president like a group of people who can’t even organize a carpool.

Scarlet Lopez, press liaison for the Austin chapter of the Party for Socialism and Liberation (which, let’s be honest, is just three people and a very active Twitter account), declared the strike a “resource grab” disguised as a drug case. Because obviously, the U.S. is just dying to get its hands on Venezuela’s world-renowned… hyperinflation and empty grocery shelves? Lopez, channeling her inner geopolitical strategist, argued that Americans have been “misled into past wars”—a bold claim from someone whose idea of foreign policy is retweeting Noam Chomsky at 3 a.m.

But the real star of the show was Elizabeth Gunz, a counter-protester who actually likes freedom and showed up waving a Venezuelan flag. She bravely pointed out that the rally had “nothing to do with Venezuela”—a shocking revelation to the crowd, who had assumed their “Solidarity with the Bolivarian Revolution” signs were totally relevant. Gunz, a rare voice of sanity, said she was “happy” about Maduro’s removal, proving that not all Venezuelans enjoy living in a dystopian nightmare where the currency is worth less than Monopoly money.

Meanwhile, back in reality, Maduro’s regime has been a masterclass in how not to run a country: rigged elections, starving citizens, and a GDP that makes Zimbabwe look stable. But hey, at least Austin’s finest activists got to feel morally superior for a few hours before heading back to their gentrified apartments to complain about capitalism on Instagram.

So, to recap: A dictator gets arrested, the U.S. does something right for once, and Austin responds by… protesting. Because of course they did. Stay woke, y’all.